No matter the route, parents arrive at adoption with a set of expectations about what adding a child to their family will mean. Often, these expectations are quite optimistic. A significant goal throughout the adoption process is to help adoptive parents alter their idealistic beliefs and move toward more realistic expectations.
There are many predominant expectations:
- “I want to help a child in need.”
- “I am unable to have children.”
- “I heard and ad on the radio.” – “Love will be enough.”
- “I know what they have been through.”
- “I thought a child would strengthen my marriage.”
- “A relative’s child needs my help.”
- “I want my children to have more siblings.”
- “A young child will be easier to integrate into the family.”
- “We thought he would settle down after the adoption was finalized.” (Foster to Adopt Situations)
Over time, this blog will address each—one by one. Typical children’s expectations and social worker expectations will also be addressed. Today, our focus is known as the “draggee vs. dragger” syndrome. This goes along with the expectation, “My spouse or partner wants to adopt.”
The Draggee vs. Dragger Syndrome
It is quite typical that one partner is far more the driving force behind the family adopting than the other. The dragger in the pre-adoptive phase is the one who contacts the adoption agencies, determines when training will be attended, makes the follow-up phone calls and obtains information on prospective children. Post-adoption, the dragger surfs the Internet to obtain resources, has the child evaluated, locates the relevant service providers, transports the child to all of her appointments, works hard to implement the treatment recommendations and continues to carry out the same amount of household responsibilities as before the adoptee moved in. The end result of this situation is the emotional and physical exhaustion of one partner, while the other partner—the draggee—seems to disengage even further from family matters.
The Dragee Becomes Exhausted!
Early studies comparing couples at different stages of family life suggest that marital satisfaction declines over the first 15 years of marriage, only to rise again when children start leaving the nest. Below are several of the common contributors to marital dissatisfaction:
- Limits on parents’ time and energy make it less possible for the couple to engage in the companionate activities that maintain and build marital intimacy.
- The perceptions of how household responsibilities will be divided are important. Frequently, the male partner becomes the principal earner. Often, when a child is added to the family, men increase their work hours while women reduce their employment outside of the home. The husband’s view is that being a good provider contributes directly to the welfare of the wife and children. The woman’s view is that the husband is pulling away from the family at a time when they are vitally needed at home. When chores and responsibilities are not divided in a mutually satisfactory way the wife does not receive adequate physical and emotional support. In turn, the husband does not receive adequate companionship, and his patience and tolerance are continually tested. Then the marriage is likely to be in trouble. Such issues were addressed in our two-part blog, Strengthening the Role of Adoptive Dads—Part I and Part II.
- Often, the child with special needs creates conflict between his parents. He is kind and respectful to one parent, usually the father. The mother experiences a child who is callous and uncooperative. The father begins to blame the mother for the problems the family is having with the child. The mother is devastated by this lack of support on behalf of her spouse. This pattern of family dynamics is a result of the child’s ability to “split” adults. The adopted child feels very let down and hurt by his birthmother. She was supposed to protect him and keep him safe, and she did neither. These emotions are vented onto the mother who is present—the adoptive mother.
- Changes in the family’s support system also occur. It is not uncommon that the negative behaviors of a child with special needs are far more apparent in the home than at school, at church or at family gatherings. This “invisible” component of parenting an adopted child causes great stress for all immediate family members. Additionally, this situation can lead to conflict with extended family and friends. Friends and family offer advice and suggestions that are not useful or that send a message that there is something wrong with the type of parenting being utilized by the adoptive family. Lacking a desire to continue to be assuaged in this manner, already stressed partners isolate themselves from friends and family. They minimize their interactions with others so as to offset receiving additional comments. Isolation is a critical issue in the adoption of children with special needs. Kim and Joan, both adoptive mothers, made the following statements at an adoptive parent support group,
“In the beginning, I was telling my best friend of twenty years the types of behavioral problems Neil had. She looked at me and said, ‘You know Joan, I’ve known you a long time and I don’t know what’s wrong with you anymore.’”
“After a while, the craziness in your home takes away from your friendships with other adults. You have no time to go out or your child is having a temper tantrum so you can’t really leave the house. Your friends and family can’t relate to what’s happening or they don’t want to relate to what’s happening.”
The draggee vs. dragger syndrome carries the expectation that one parent can carry the majority of responsibilities. Actually, due to the factors presented above, this phenomenon may serve to heighten marital discord.
Marital quality, in turn, affects the quality of parent-child relationships. In particular, marital conflict has been associated with the quality of parenting practices and parent-child attachment. This applies to all of the parent-child relationships in the family—birth and adoptive, whether having arrived at birth or at an older age! Marital relations can be a source of support for or can undermine the parenting role.
Additionally, in a two-parent family, the child should have two parents equally invested in the well-being of the child. He has already lost at least one set of parents. He does not need the further rejection of a parent who spends little time with him or a parent who makes minimal effort on his behalf.
Often, this syndrome can be recognized during pre-placements activities—educational classes, the homestudy and the matching phase. Social workers may want to help such couples understand how this expectation may play out in the long-run. This may be a couple who needs to truly examine the difference in ideas about becominga parent. What is underlying one couple’s strong parenting drive and the other’s lack of motivation to become a parent? Is marital therapy necessary? Perhaps, this couple should provide respite services and gain first-hand experience of parenting children with a history of complex trauma. Certainly, this is a husband and wife who need to attend a support group comprised of post-adoptive parents.
If you have other thoughts as to how to help these couples, please post a comment in the comment box below. We love to hear from our readers!
References:
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Belsky, Jay and John Kelly.(1994) The Transition to Parenthood: How a First Child Changes a Marriage. New York: Delacorte.
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Lewis, Robert A. and Grahm B. Spanier. (1979.) “Theorizing about the quality and stability of marriage.” In Burr, Wesley R.; Reuben Hill, F., Nye Ian and Ira L.Reiss (eds.), Contemporary Theories about the Family, Vol. I. New York: Free Press.
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