Perspectives on Challenged Family Building

In our previous blog, This is Not the Brother or Sister I Expected, we pointed out that how professionals and parents handle the dissemination of information—to their typical sons and daughters— about a sibling’s special needs will greatly influence the adjustment of the children already in the family (Meyer & Vadasy, 1994). This, in turn, affects the adoptee’s emotional well-being, and parent’s state of mind.

In this post, we cover some more “food for thought” about the sharing of information with children—pre-school to adolescents.

As mentioned above, post-placement adjustment for all family members is more positive when information is provided. This makes sense if we take a moment to think about this. Typical children’s experiences mirror those of parents. So, just as parents report feelings of isolation post-adoption because “no one understands their child’s behaviors” or friends and family “don’t believe” that their adopted son or daughter exhibits difficult behavior at home, siblings feel this same loneliness. However, for typical children the isolation is even more complicated when they lack information. They have no idea why their brother or sister is stealing, using profanity, lying and so on.  Unless we help them understand, they are left to create their own stories; and often their version is worse than the actual circumstances.

Of course there are certainly parents willing and happy to answer questions. Yet, some brothers and sisters will keep their queries to themselves. These resident children feel their parent is too stressed or saddened by the adopted child’s needs. So, they keep quiet in order to try to be helpful to their parents. Yet another scenario is that mothers and fathers are unaware that their children actually desire information. On the parent’s part, they assume everything is fine if their typically-developing children do not present with their issues. Systemically, traditional information—books, articles, community trainings, videos—is usually geared toward parents. Siblings are usually excluded from another traditional source of information—the teachers, physicians, therapists, social workers, and others providing services to their traumatized brother or sister (Meyer & Vadasy).

“Experienced” sisters and brothers tell us that parents must be proactive in offering information (Meyer & Vadasy). Below are some bullet points about children’s thoughts and questions in relation to a sibling’s special needs. Also noted are the types of issues children have been exposed to for their age group. It is important to realize that in today’s society, even young children have much awareness about drug use, divorce, death and so on. This acquired knowledge can be used as a springboard to help children understand many of the traumas their adopted brother or sister experienced prior to joining his or her adoptive family.

Pre-schoolers

• Very young children often do not even refer to their brother’s or sister’s special needs when they describe them to others. Rather, at a young age, siblings focus on the actions, appearance and their own gut emotional reactions. This is not to suggest that pre-schoolers are unaware or insensitive to their brother’s or sister’s problems. In fact, they usually recognize that the child has special problems and acknowledge that there are more disruptions in their family plans and routines (Lobato).
• Young children who have been exposed to pre-school, play dates, organized activities, Sunday school, etc., have most likely had positive peer interactions as well as negative peer interactions. So, they can comprehend some of the difficulties a traumatized sibling may have.
• Common misconceptions about the cause of the problem reflect a youngster’s self-centered and concrete thinking. They often believe that something they did caused the problem (Lobato).
• It is quite a common practice for parents to compare their children to one another. It is also common for siblings to do the same. The young child looks for similarities and differences between himself and that of the child with special needs in order to determine whether or not they are well and able themselves (Lobato).
• Young children ages 2 to 6 are very concrete thinkers. Explanations should therefore be as clear as possible. Children as young as three can recognize some of their brothers’ and sisters’ problems, especially when they have had contact with other children and when their siblings are older than they are. Three years old is not too early to share comments about an adoptee’s difficulties (Lobato).

Cora is 2 years old. She was adopted after her brother, Steven. Steven exhibits very difficult behavioral issues. The most serious negative behavior is his frequent aggressive temper outbursts. Cora’s parents have taught Cora to go to a “safe spot” when Steven escalates. One day, while reading One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish by Dr. Seuss, Cora associated her brother with the “very, very BAD fish” which is depicted as hitting and slapping another meek fish. Cora’s mom reported being speechless that Cora was so intuitive at such a young age.

School-Aged Children

• During their grade-school years, siblings need information to answer their own questions about their sibling’s problems as well as questions posed by classmates, friends or even strangers. More so than pre-schoolers, school-aged children may have specific questions (Meyer and Vadasy). They may ask: “Why does he take medication?” “Why does she go to therapy?” “Why can’t he act right?” “When will he act right?” “When will he be able to play?”
• School-aged children most likely have peers who reside in families where there has been a divorce. They may have experience with death, and therefore grief and loss. They have been presented the Drug Abuse Resistance Program (D.A.R.E.). They may be assisted to apply this knowledge to the thoughts and feelings of the child with a pre-adoptive history of trauma.
• School-aged children may hold beliefs about the cause of the difficulties that places blame on the child with special needs (Meyer & Vadasy).
• Information needs to be relayed to school-aged children in short segments, perhaps 20-30 minutes in length.
• Lacking information, school-age children may very much so harbor their own private, albeit inaccurate, theories to explain their sibling’s problems (Meyer & Vadasy).
• School-aged children may have experience with other children who have been adopted.

Adolescents

• Even adolescents may have misconceptions about their siblings’ problems. Some may assign a psychological or metaphysical (i.e., God brought my brother in to bring the family closer) reason for the issues that present from the adoptee’s background of complex trauma (Meyer & Vadasy).
• Like school-aged children, adolescents have specific questions about their brother’s or sister’s special needs (Meyer & Vadasy).
• Adolescents have more exposure to the issues which bring children into foster care and adoption, or at least to similar issues. They have witnessed peers involved with drugs or alcohol. They may have personal knowledge of suicide or suicidal ideation. It is likely they have experience with death. Certainly, they have familiarity of sex and sexual behaviors. Thus, they have the capacity to handle an array of topics with a depth of content.
• Adolescents have the capacity to attend informational presentations of a length similar to adults. Parents and professionals need to consider including prospective adoptive families’ older children in pre-adoptive education classes.
• Adolescents may also have experience with children who have been adopted.

Stay tuned for a March blog which will apply the information above. This post will offer example wording to use when talking with children about difficult topics. Can’t wait? Chapter 5, Brothers and Sisters in Adoption provides examples of talking to typical kids about mental health issues, culture, acedemic issues and more!

The “Readings and Resources” (right) are selected for their value in sharing information with children of all ages.

What are your thoughts and experiences in this area? We’d love to hear from you. The comment box is below.

Related Blogs:

Where are the Support Groups for Typically-Developing Children?

“Yes” There are Positives for the Typical Kids!

This is Not the Brother or Sister I Expected: The Need to Prepare the Typical Children

Sibling Rivalry in Adoptive Families — Part One, Two and Three

Having Fun In Adoptive Families: Not and Oxymoron!

Typical Children: Afloat on a Sea of Grief